This Post Doesn’t Make Much Census

Hey everybody – I know it’s been a long long time.  Life has been pretty crazy lately and I have taken a break from blogging.  Just when I started to think that starting to post again might be good therapy (and cheaper than real therapy)  the Census Bureau gave me a lay-up that I couldn’t pass on.

By now most of you have probably heard This Sad Story about Bill Sparkman, a guy in Kentucky who was hanged while trying earn some extra cash to take care of his family by going door to door collecting info for the 2010 U.S. Census.

<Begin Side Note Rant>- Who out there cares about the census anyway?  Shouldn’t this process have been phased out with the poodle-skirt and non-dysfunctional families?  Come on…we put a man on the moon, we created an atomic bomb, today we have more technology in a cell phone than was available in a desktop computer in 1990 (although I did love me some Oregon Trail – as long as I didn’t get typhoid fever or drown trying to ford a river)

My point is that the Census Bureau should be embarassed that this country has made huge strides in technology over the years and yet we have been unable to devise a better way to get a semi-accurate info on the nation’s population than “Door-to-Door”?  I bet Google has beter data on us than than the US Census Bureau does.<End Rant Here>

Back on subject…This guy’s job was to get stats on how many people live in Clay County Kentucky.  My guess is this guy could have just gone to one house and asked whoever answered the door to list all of their relatives and his job would have been done (Hey…I’m not going to be the first person in history to pass up an easy inbreeding joke)

Instead this guy stumbled upon a person or persons that he should have avoided.  Long story short, the guy is found hanging from a tree with the word “Fed” written on his chest.

As I’m reading through this story one particular line caught my eye and is the sole reason for this post.  Did you notice it too?  The line reads:

“Although the Census Bureau could not immediately offer statistics on violence against its workers, such incidents are not unheard of.”

Where are our tax dollars going? Come on Census Bureau – you’re better than that.

Back to School

One of the great things about Tegs and I was that, much like a good bra, we always supported each other and knew how to push when needed. She, along with my continuingly questionable situation at work gave me the needed push to head back to school toward a more sustainable future.

I enrolled in classes a couple of weeks ago toward a second major and eventual Masters degree in accounting. Today was my first day of class.

I was worried that I would not like it – but so far not the case (and this class is 3 hours long)..I really enjoyed my first day back in a learning environment. I think being out of school for 5 years gave me a greater respect and enjoyment for learning.   Plus, there are college girls everywhere:)

My first time through undergrad was more or less a race to graduate. I plan on making the most out of my education the second time around. 

I have been thinking about this scene from Billy Madison all day…sorry it’s a little blurry but it’s all I could find.

more about “Back to school. Billy Madison“, posted with vodpod

Advice From a Tree

Advice from a Tree By Ilan Shamir Dear Friend, Stand Tall and Proud Sink your roots deeply into the Earth Reflect the light of a greater source Think long term Go out on a limb Remember your place among all living beings Embrace with joy the changing seasons For each yields its own abundance The Energy and Birth of Spring The Growth and Contentment of Summer The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter Feel the wind and the sun And delight in their presence Look up at the moon that shines down upon you And the mystery of the stars at night. Seek nourishment from the good things in life Simple pleasures Earth, fresh air, light Be content with your natural beauty Drink plenty of water Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes Be flexible Remember your roots Enjoy the view!

Have a great weekend everybody – That’s advice from Oliver, not from the tree:)

Intellectual Devotional

I have a strange obsession with Mexican bestiality trivial knowledge.  I love to learn unique facts in little chunks – a side effect of being part of the MTV generation which is ironic because I cannot stand MTV.  Putting a bunch of hot 20-somethings in a house together, giving them all jobs and waiting for them to fornicate is not the real world…although if you did that same thing and took away the jobs you could just call it college.

Anyway – to my original point – I just purchased a book called the Intellectual Devotional.  It is 365 days of trivial facts.  I started reading it a couple of weeks ago and so far I have learned lots of random facts that I might someday be able to use to impress somebody. Go ahead, ask me about Hammurabi’s Code of Laws…if you dare!

What I’m more excited to see is where my life will be when I finish my 365 daily lessons versus where I am having just started it. 

Just thought I’d share.

Wild Ride

 More random Monday songs for you to listen to while you read: 

Sorry I have not posted since last Monday, but it was a crazy week. 

After my Sunday evening epiphony, I woke up on Monday accepting the fact that I may be out of a job by the end of the week and had a semi-plan for my future that did not involve prostituting myself – Sorry ladies.  Either way, I was comfortable with my fate…or at least I thought I was.

After my

I had a meeting monday morning at the office and stopped by the office again in the evening to pick up some office supplies…I have an unhealthy obsession with office supplies (especially when they’re free) I always think I can get something else that’s cool and will keep me organized.   Both times I was by the office I did not get a good vibe from my boss, which confirmed my job-loss suspicions.

After I left the office I stopped by a friends house to hang out for a while and talk.  I left around 8:20 pm to head back home for my weekly monday night man-date with my buddy to watch 24.  At 8:45 I was just starting my turn south onto the road to my house.

At 8:45 pm my vehicle looked something like this (except picture it in the dark):

At 8:46 it looked like this:

So Sad…I just got those tires 2 months ago.

For the sake of impending legal issues I will not discuss this accident too much other than: I was not at fault and, with the exception of my back and knee there were no serious injuries.

So when I woke up Tuesday morning all I could think was “great, now I have no car and I’m about to have no job so how am I going to get a car”.  At this point it was a pretty shitty week so I took the day off of work to get my rental car and start getting everything else in order.  Besides, the last thing I wanted to do was to get let go with vacation days on the table.

Since I went to the hospital I did not have time to get the accident report, and as it turns out, the deputy has 5 to 7 days to file the report.  So today, a week later, I still have none of the other guys info and have not been able to get things going on my claim – which is thoroughly pissing me off. 

Tuesday was also the day that I stopped taking my own advice to “give up control and let things play themselves out”.  I emailed my division president and asked to talk to him about my “future with the company” which is my own code for “I’d like to keep my job”.  Keep in mind this guy has only had the job for a few months and does not know me from next guy.  Either way, after some persuasion he decided to give me a call Wednesday morning.  We talked, but it did not instill any real hope.

Wednesday afternoon I got a call from my boss asking me to meet her at McDonald’s at 8am on Thursday (the day I heard layoffs were coming).  I said okay and figured there are worse places to get let go than McDonald’s – at least I can bury my sorrows into a delicious egg mcmuffin.

As it turns out, I did not lose my job.  In fact, my last minute talk with the division president not only resulted in my retaining my job, but it put me in a better position. 

So much for letting go of control.

Today I start my new job in sales…anybody have a need for a new townhome in Naples from the mid $100s?

Funky

Some music to listen to while you read on this Monday Morning

 

Funny how sometimes the easiest answers take the longest to find.

I have been in a funk for the past couple of months. I have not been the typical, happy/ fun O.G.  And as hard as I have tried to pull myself free, I have been sucked further in with an equal amount of pull.  

I live 5 miles from the beach, and I never go, it’s just comforting to me to know it’s there. However, it’s helpful in times like these when I want to clear my head. 

There are times in life when you think you have it all figured out, and then there are times when you feel like you’re just floating around with no direction and no clue of where to even start.  Right now I’m in the latter stage.

Currently the things that I care the most about and want the most for my life are out of my control.

The problem is that I am not only a bit of a control freak, but I also have a one-tracked mind, so when I want something and I lack control over the situation, I can’t think about anything else.  I let the situation consume me from the inside out.  I have problems eating, and sleeping, I feel sick to my stomach on a regular basis.

And that’s where I was when I touched my toes to that soft, white sugar sand last night…consumed and out of control.

I sat there for hours, just listening to the waves, running my fingers through the sand, watching the sun go down, and letting my thoughts find me.  I know I haven’t been myself, and I don’t like it.  I know I’ve done some things to try to regain control, but, as with most things in my life, once I start digging I don’t know how to stop and eventually I find myself at the bottom of a hole I can’t get out of. 

As the sun was setting I finally decided that you can either run away or you can accept your lack of control over the parts of it that are consuming you, in essence regaining control over the situation.  More often than not, trying to harness these things only makes it worse anyway. 

I’m not really the type to run away.

I feel more like myself today.

 I leave you with these pictures I took at the beach

 

  The sunsets here are goregous, and the best part about them is…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sun always comes back up the next day.

I should weigh 300 pounds by now

I do not eat fast food often.  It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I know I have a weakness.   I love fast food, carnival food, ballpark food, all you can eat buffets, etc… 

 

 

When I go for fast food I usually have a need to get both a chicken and a beef dish (as to not miss out on the tastiness of one animal or another).  It’s amazing I’m still in good shape – although I’m sure my arteries are a completely different story.

 

 

In fact the only fast food joint I would say I ever go to with any regularity (more than once a month) is Chick-Fil-A because I know I can only get chicken – and I can get it in the grilled variety and sub a healthy side for their scrumptious waffle fries.

 

 

Yesterday though, I caved.  It was tax relief day at McDonalds.  They were offering buy one – get one for a penny deals on Big Macs and Quarter Pounders.  So I got one of each plus one more of each for a penny, then made one a meal deal. 

 

 

This was my dinner last night.  Don’t worry…that’s a diet coke.  As you can see I couldn’t wait until I got home to start in on the fries. Sure, I could have spread this meal out over multiple days but I figured I’d rather just eat like crap for one day and move on instead of dragging things out. 

 

 

All I could think about while I was eating this meal (other than “this is delicious” and “why did I forget to ask for “no pickles”) was KimDec’s post where she linked to the website “This is why you’re fat”.  By the way…if you like to cook her site is amazing.

 

Did anybody else out there do this or was it just me?

 

Letter to Theme Park Personalized Memorabilia Manufacturers

Dear Theme Park Personalized Memorabilia Manufacturers,

 

I have a serious bone to pick with you.  Don’t worry, it’s not a bone that is personalized with my name on it because apparently, my name is not important enough for you to consider for your novelty items.

 

I know that at 28 I do not visit the theme parks as often as I once did.  I also know that, at the height of my affair with the theme parks, (before I somehow developed the ability to get motion sickness from riding a merry-go-round) the name Oliver was not all that popular.  So I forgive you for the fact that I couldn’t find a pair of Astroworld sunglasses with my name on them back in 1990 – I’m sure I’d have some pictures to regret today if I had found them (well…more pictures to regret).

 

In the past 18 years Oliver has become much more popular as a name– especially in England where most of your seasonal visitors come from.  I might cut you some slack for continuing to ignore us if you only sold personalized toothbrushes. 

 

No key chains, no regular sized coffee mugs, no super-mini coffee mugs (just incase I really just wanted a drop of coffee), no pens, pencils, bottle openers, letter openers, chip clips, snow globes, pins, hair-ties…you get the picture. 

 

In fact in my 28 years I have yet to find one item with my name on.

 

But I keep going back to your little spinning racks every time I’m at a park.  I go with the hopes that you will have replaced the spot on your rack that is set aside for “#1 baby mama”, “big baby”, or the 3 spellings of Christina with one small spot for “Oliver”.

 

I know Olivia, Omar, and Oscar are all popular names, but Oliver has to rank above at least one of the three.  Maybe you know Olivers are generally too smart to spend $8 on a refrigerator magnet when we can just duct tape stuff up on the Fridge…after all, an entire roll of duct tape only costs $1.48.

 

But just think about it – if you were the first, you’d have the market cornered. Olivers everywhere would be walking around wearing personalized friendship bracelets manufactured by your company.

 

At least the guy who writes your name on a grain of rice is adaptable. 

Revenge Served Hot

In my Music Monday post I promised you additional posts about either my mother or alligators.  Today it will be mom and her habit of robbing her neighborhood while simultaneously risking her dignity.

 

To know my parents is to know why I’m a little screwed up.  They have never been very social people so when they decided a country club community would be a good move for them it just did not seem right.

 

They did it anyway. They joined a very nice community in West Palm Beach.  It has 36 holes of golf, 10 tennis courts, a gym, a spa, a great clubhouse with all kinds of activities and clubs.  My parents use none of it.

 

Well, almost none of it.

 

My mother has always loved swimming.  Every morning at 6 she gets up and heads to the pool.  She does her laps and then grabs a cup of coffee from the self-serve coffee station by the tennis club on the way back home. She pours herself a fresh cup, sits down with a paper and drinks the coffee while she reads.

 

The story does not end there internet. 

 

It does not end there because my mother has devised an evil plot to get back the club for charging my parents thousands of dollars a year for amenities they choose not to use.

 

After cup # 1 is finished she gets a to-go cup and fills it up with coffee to go.  Then she grabs a handful of Splenda and a handful of creamers.  Does she use those Splendas and creamers in her to-go cup?  Of course not – that would be no way to show “the man”.

 

In fact, she doesn’t even drink the cup of coffee right away.  She drinks half, and saves half of the Styrofoam cup-full-of-joe on the countertop until she sees the need to microwave it.

 

Please see evidence of my mother’s deviance below

(When she saw me taking pictures she hid the creamer from me – hence the lack of creamer photos)

 

 

 

Combined, over the years, her 5-fingered discounting of the clubs Splenda, Creamer, and Coffee probably adds up to about $50.

 

The funniest part is my mother goes to the grocery store 7-days a week even though it’s just her and my father in the house – no lie.  She could just as easily have bought a box of splenda, a carton of creamer and saved her dignity.

 

I’m proud of her none-the-less.

4 Days worth of Coffee - Note the old, unused cofee maker to the right

Dear Model Home Pooer

Dear Model Home Pooer,  

 

I know by the set up of my quaint little residential sales community that you must have entered the Welcome Center before you headed off unsupervised to view our model homes.  Therefore I know that you must have seen our restroom facilities inside of the Welcome Center.  That is why I’m perplexed as to your need to do your business in the master bathroom in our Cypress model which is a mere 100 feet from previously mentioned facilities.   

 

How do I know about your dirty deed you ask?  Well…while I was locking up the other night I noticed that your leavings did not make a contiguous journey and part of your days meal was still hanging around in the toilet.  Don’t worry, I chose to flush as opposed to collecting a sample for DNA testing – your identity is forever safe. 

 

However, as disgusting as this experience was for me, I know that the joke is really on you.  See, in your haste to “make” in the Cypress’ commode I’m sure you failed to realize that we do not stock our model bathrooms with toilet paper – as to avoid filthy pigs such as yourself from making the model viewing experience less enjoyable for the rest of society that actually has manners.

 

Now, I’m no Angela Lansbury, but what I deduced (pun intended) from the remains you left was that this was no clean break #2….there had to be some residual effects that would have required wiping– you know what I mean.  I can only imagine the panick that went through your mind when you noticed the TP rack was empty.

 

After a quick check of the premises I realized that you at least had the decency to leave the hand towels unsoiled.  I had to look – I could not leave dirtied hand towels in the home, that tends to have an effect on potential buyers.

 

I also know that our little community is no less than 40 minutes from civilization.  Therefore I can only assume that you waddled around for the rest of the day hoping that nobody caught wind of your foulness.  Additionally, I take joy in the image of you rushing to dispose of your soiled undies before your significant other found the skidp-marked evidence of your deed and lost respect for you for the rest of your life. 

 

Perhaps this experience will teach you a lesson.

 

Sincerely,    

 

O.G.